hack FAIRYTALES
by Better Than Better Than Ezra
Summary: CHAPTER 8 IS UP. The players of Da World are characters in classic children's fairytales. RR please.
1. BT and the 3 Bears

Radical Edward: Hooray! My very first .hack/SIGN ficcypoo! Unfortunately, Saza went back to Germany for fall break and won't be back until next week. So while she's off drinking German beer and hanging with her family and friends, I'll be doing this fic.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own .hack/SIGN, Cat in the Hat, and Fruity Pebbles. Growl!  
  
.hack/FAIRYTALES  
  
Chapter One: BT and the 3 Bears.  
  
Once upon a time, there was a wave master named BT.  
  
BT: Hi! I'm BT!  
  
There was also a Heavy Blade dude named Bear.  
  
BT: Aww. look at da cuddly bear! *pets Bear*  
  
One day, Bear's friends from "Da World" went to Miami for a week. He couldn't go because they didn't allow shirtless men with blue paint there.  
  
Bear: This life sucks!  
  
He got lonely and created 2 mini-me's named "Bear-Thing 1" and "Bear-Thing 2".  
  
*2 Bear-Things come out of a box. They're Heavy Blade's too, but with plastic toy swords*  
  
2 weeks later, Bear made cereal for breakfast. Everyone had a complaint about the food.  
  
Bear: My Fruit Loops are too colorful.  
  
Bear-Thing 1: My Frosted Flakes are too Grrreat!  
  
Bear-Thing 2: My Fruity Pebbles have rocks in them.  
  
Bear: Let's go to "Da World" for a while. Maybe when we come back, the cereal will be just right!  
  
The 3 Bears left the real world and went to visit Tsukasa, Mimiru, and Subaru in "Da World". They wanted to here about their trip to Miami.  
  
Bear: I hope they brought me a present!  
  
Then, BT came to Bear's house and knocked on his door.  
  
BT: Hey Bear! You wanna play Dodgeball in traffic? *no answer* Bear?  
  
BT walked inside and saw the cereal on the table in all its sugary glory.  
  
BT: Yummy! *eats the Fruit Loops* mmm. colory! *eats the Frosted Flakes* mmm. grrreaty! *eats the Fruity Pebbles* mmm. rocky! I'm full!  
  
BT ran to the living room and sat on Bear's big chair. She noticed the chair was solid stone.  
  
BT: My ass hurts!  
  
BT sat on Bear-Thing 1's chair, but the chair was covered in cat hair*  
  
BT: ACHOO!!!  
  
BT sat on Bear-Thing 2's chair and felt comfortable.  
  
BT: Ooh! Comfy! *starts jumping up and down* WHEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
Then the chair broke.  
  
BT: Oops! I'll just blame it on Sora!  
  
BT ran up to the bed room and sat on Bear's bed, but the bed had Hamtaro bedsheets.  
  
BT: EWW!! HAMSTERS! *tears up bedsheets*  
  
She sat on Bear-Thing 1's bed, but the bedsheets were Avril Lavinge.  
  
BT: POSER!!! *throws sheets in fireplace*  
  
She sat on Bear-Thing 2's bed with Inu-yasha bedsheets.  
  
BT: DOGGIE EARS!!! *strokes ears and falls asleep*  
  
Later, Bear and the Bear-Things came back from "Da World". They were hungry and decided to eat the cereal. But when they got there, the cereal was gone.  
  
Bear: Someone ate my Fruit Loops!  
  
Bear-T 1: Someone ate my Frosted Flakes!  
  
Bear-T 2: Someone ate my Fruity Pebbles!  
  
They went into the living room.  
  
Bear: Someone hurt their hiney on my chair!  
  
Bear-T 1: Someone sneezed on my chair!  
  
Bear-T 2: Someone jumped on my chair and broke it!  
  
In the bedroom.  
  
Bear: Someone tore my Hamtaro sheets!  
  
Bear-T 1: Someone burned my Avril Lavinge sheets!  
  
Bear-T 2: Someone is sleeping on my Inu-yasha sheets! Gross! She wet them! I just got those cleaned!  
  
All: Eww!  
  
BT woke up and saw the 3 Bears. She didn't know how to explain the damage.  
  
BT: Sora did it!  
  
She ran back to "Da World". Bear never saw her again until he went to "Da World" the next day to kill Sora.  
  
Radical Edward: Yeah! I'm done. I'll type up the next chapters VERY SOON, so wait patiently. In the meantime, read hack/INSANITY. Very funny fic from a fellow .hack/SIGN fan. Read it! 


	2. Little Red Wavemaster

Radical Edward: Yay! New chapter! I actually continued! If you were offended from the Avril and Hamtaro bashing, forgive me. I hate them with all my heart. By the way Sayu-chan, Avril is a poser. I'm sorry, but her voice is computerized, and she really can't sing. She also refers herself as "Punk", and she really isn't. But why am I talking about her anyway? So on with the fic!  
  
Chapter 2: Little Red Wavemaster  
  
Once upon a time, there was an irritating wavemaster named Tsukasa.  
  
Tsukasa: Go away!  
  
One day, Tsukasa's mom told him to go to "Da World" and deliver a basket of M&M's to Subaru.  
  
Tsukasa: But she has cooties!  
  
Tsukasa obeyed his mom and went to "Da World". He skipped and sang on the way to Subaru's house.  
  
Tsukasa: Tra la la la la la la.  
  
Meanwhile, Sora was stalking Tsukasa in attempt to get his member address. Sora ran to Subaru's house and scared her.  
  
Subaru: Don't hurt me!  
  
Sora ate her whole.  
  
Sora: That hit the spot!  
  
Subaru: It's dark in here!  
  
Sora went into her closet and grabbed a few of her clothes and went to the bathroom. He came out wearing a small tube top, a mini skirt, and combat boots.  
  
Sora: Does this make me look fat?  
  
Tsukasa arrived at Subaru's house and walked in. When he saw Sora, he was surprised.  
  
Tsukasa: Why are you dressed up like your grandmother?  
  
Sora: Grandmother?  
  
Sora glanced at a picture of Subaru's grandmother wearing the same clothes.  
  
Sora: Eww!  
  
Sora ran out of the room and came back wearing his regular clothes.  
  
Tsukasa: Why are you dressed like Sora now?  
  
Sora: I AM Sora you idiot!  
  
Tsukasa: That wasn't a nice thing to say!  
  
Sora: Whatever! Give me your member address!  
  
Tuskasa: Never!  
  
Tsukasa threw M&M's at Sora. Sora chased him around the house in fast motion. Tsukasa saw a woodpecker up ahead and caught it. He used the woodpecker to peck Sora's head.  
  
Sora: Ow! Get him off me!  
  
Sora died and cut into pieces. Subaru climbed out and was saved.  
  
Subaru: Tsukasa, I love you!  
  
Tsukasa: Gross! Don't kiss me!  
  
Tsukasa ran back to his house and locked all doors and windows. Everyone was happy, except for Sora who is now in Hell.  
  
The End.  
  
Radical Edward: Yeah! I finished it all in one day with no interruptions. The next chapter will be "The Toad Drew Carey". Stay tuned, and I'll try to get the next chapter up before Wednesday. Read and Review please. 


	3. The Drew Carey Toad

Radical Edward: Sorry about the delay y'all. I was busy yesterday and didn't get a chance to type this, so I'm doing it during lunch. Enjoy  
  
Chapter 3: "The Drew Carey Toad"  
  
One day, Subaru was standing in the boat, as usual. A toad hopped out of the water and onto the boat.  
  
Toad: Hey babe! What's your sign?  
  
Subaru: Virgo. Get lost!  
  
Toad: You know, I'm not really a toad. I'm actually handsome on the inside.  
  
Subaru: And Sora has a secret obsession with the Powerpuff Girls.  
  
Cut to Sora watching the Powerpuff Girls.  
  
Toad: No really. I was magically transformed into a toad by a purple cat. I'm really Drew Carey.  
  
Subaru: OMG! DREW CAREY!!! He's so hot!  
  
Toad: Yeah. anyways, if you kiss me I'll change back.  
  
Subaru: Are you sure?  
  
Toad: Does 2+2= 3?  
  
Subaru: Alright then.  
  
Subaru picked up the toad and started to make out with him. The toad glowed and he changed into Sora, and not Drew Carey.  
  
Sora: Nice kiss!  
  
Subaru: SORA! You pervert!  
  
Subaru pushed him into the water, and started up the motor. She sped away in the boat and left Sora. Everyone was happy except for Sora and Subaru, who was disgusted. 


	4. Tsukasa Bunyan Part One

Sorry it's taking me so long to update. I had trouble thinking of a fairytale, so I'm doing a short story instead.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own .hack/SIGN or Paul Bunyan.  
  
Chapter 4: Tsukasa Bunyan Part 1.  
  
Once upon a time, there was a remarkably huge, irritating giant, named Tsukasa.  
  
Tsukasa: Stupid growth spurt!  
  
Tsukasa had a huge problem (Well actually, two). Tsukasa was so tall, his breakfast took a day to make.  
  
Tsukasa: Hurry up! I'm hungry!  
  
And, Tsukasa had an irritating bunion the size of his great grandmother.  
  
Tsukasa: I've got a big grandmother!  
  
So the village folk called him 'Tsukasa Bunyan'.  
  
Tsukasa: Can I go home now?  
  
Ed: Not yet! *gives him more pancakes*  
  
Years went by and Tsukasa grew bigger. One day, the village folk gathered around to settle the situation in a calm and peaceful manner.  
  
Bear: I say we drown him in Lake Swan!  
  
Sora: I say we make him watch Blue's Clues!  
  
BT: I say we get him drunk and haul him out of town.  
  
Village Folk: Okay!  
  
So the next day, when Tsukasa went on his morning jog, he spotted his friends with a wagon of beer.  
  
Bear: Hey Tsukasa! Since you're our friend and everything, we all thought we'd treat you to a beer.  
  
Tsukasa: Mmm. Beer!  
  
Tsukasa picked up the wagon and drank the beer down. Then he was drunk enough to fall asleep.  
  
Tsukasa: uhhhh. goodnight mommy! *falls to the ground*  
  
Crim: Wow! Knocked out by one drink!  
  
Bear: And a few of these! *holds up giant knock-out pill*  
  
So the Village folk tied him up and hauled him to the logout place. After numerous tries, they realized he couldn't log out.  
  
Sora: Let's just haul him far away from town.  
  
The village folk hauled Tsukasa out of town as far as they could. Hours later, Tsukasa finally woke up.  
  
Tsukasa: *sitting up right next to the city border* Oh, they don't want me anymore.  
  
Tsukasa took his axe and walked away sadly. He walked to the Rocky Road Mountains and started to chop a stone into a replica of a Gruntie.  
  
Tsukasa: *sighs* I wish you were real! Ooh! A marshmallow! *eats marshmallow and falls asleep*  
  
As Tsukasa slept, the Gruntie started to glow.  
  
End of Part 1.  
  
Radical Edward: WHOOOOOO! CLIFFHANGER! CLIFFHANGER!!! I'll give you a preview of Part 2!  
  
The Gruntie glowed some more!  
  
Radical Edward: Ok! That's it! Stayed tuned for Part 2! 


	5. Tsukasa Bunyan Part Two

Radical Edward: Okay, I'm gonna make this short cuz I wanna get it over with. This is Part Two of Tsukasa Bunyan, so I have to skip lunch and type this up. By the way, in case you didn't notice, this is also a parody on a Simpsons episode. Okay, Go!  
  
Chapter 5: Tsukasa Bunyan Part Two.  
  
The gruntie glowed some more. It glowed so bright, Tsukasa woke up.  
  
Tsukasa: Who turned on the sun? *looks at glowing gruntie* What the heck?  
  
The gruntie glowed and glowed and glowed some more until it finally stopped glowing and became real.  
  
Gruntie: I'm a real boy! Father! I'm a real boy!  
  
Ed: *whaps gruntie's head with Sunday's newspaper* Wrong dialogue!  
  
Gruntie: Sorry! *makes cute Gruntie noises*  
  
Tsukasa: My wish came true! My wish came true! I'm going to call you Mr. Fluffy-Puffy-Fluff-Puffkins!  
  
Mr. Fluffy-Puffy-Fluff-Puffkins: *rolls eyes*  
  
Tsukasa: I'll call you Fluffy for short!  
  
Fluffy: *relieved*  
  
So Tsukasa and *snicker**snicker**snort**giggle* Fluffy traveled across the country, and founded some of the nation's most famous landmarks.  
  
*Cut to Tsukasa and Fluffy lighting matches in the mountains. The smoke goes to the top of the mountains and a sign says 'The Great Smokey-the-Bear mountains'*  
  
*Another cut to Tsukasa chopping down trees with his mighty axe. The once known forest is now a deserted hot desert called "Death Hell Valley"*  
  
*One last cut to Tsukasa and Fluffy holding big beer bottles while walking around all drunk like. They spill some beer into their foot prints and it is now known as "The Great Lakes of Michigan" or "Big Puddles Full of Budweiser Beer"*  
  
One day, Tsukasa was walking along a plantation when from far away, he saw a prettyful farm maid.  
  
Tsukasa: *sees Subaru working in a garden* She's prettyful!  
  
Subaru: *sees Tsukasa from far away* Oh! What a hot sexy man!  
  
*Tsukasa ran over to her, and Subaru did the same. When they got closer, Subaru realized he was a giant and started to turn back. But she was too late because Tsukasa had picked her up in his hands*  
  
Tsukasa: You're prettyful!  
  
Subaru: Oh, why thank you.  
  
Tsukasa: Will you marry me?  
  
Subaru: Well, I don't know. Um. Okay!  
  
Tsukasa: YIPPEE!!! Hold on! *puts Subaru in his ear and cleans the wax out of it. Subaru comes out with wax all over her face*  
  
Subaru: Ew!  
  
Tsukasa: Sorry!  
  
Radical Edward: Oops! Bell rang! I'll do part three later! Please Review! 


	6. Tsukasa Bunyan Part Three

Chapter 6: Tsukasa Bunyan Part Three  
  
A few months went by after Tsukasa and Subaru's wedding. The village folk were enjoying a lovely day until something came up.  
  
Crim: Great Gatsby! It's a meteor!  
  
Bear: It's coming to destroy us all!  
  
Sora: It'll take a giant person to stop it and save us all!  
  
All three: Hmm.  
  
30 minutes later.  
  
Tsukasa: So let me get this straight. You kicked me out after I caused trouble, and now you want me back just so I can save your precious little village?  
  
Bear: Uh. yeah, basically.  
  
Tsukasa: Whoo-hoo! In your face meteor! Guess who's back, back again. Tsukasa's back. Tell a friend! Guess who's - *the meteor hits Tsukasa's head from behind* Ow!  
  
The village folk cheered for Tsukasa.  
  
Village: Hooray for Tsukasa! *they all chant 'Tsukasa'*  
  
Tsukasa: You see Fluffy? Everything worked out just fine!  
  
Fluffy: *grunts happily and winks*  
  
Radical Edward: Yay! I'm finally got to finish it. The next story will be the Gingerbread Man. Stay tuned. 


	7. The Boy who Cried Dingo

Radical Edward: I know y'all were expecting the Gingerbread Sora story, but I wrote this other story before I even started it. So instead, you get "The Boy who Cried Dingo", and I promise I will do the Gingerbread Sora story next time. I pinky promise! And on the next chapter, Saza will be coming back from her very long vacation from Germany. She said she had a family reunion or something.  
  
Chapter 7: The Boy who Cried Dingo.  
  
Once there was a young boy who took care of a herd of Grunties for a living.  
  
Tsukasa: I should've gone to college.  
  
One day, he was so bored, he decided to play a trick on the villagers.  
  
Tsukasa: Ooh! How fun! *reads "101 Tricks to Play on the Villagers"*  
  
So Tsukasa cried out "Dingo".  
  
Tsukasa: Dingo! Help! Dingo on the loose!  
  
The Australian version of the .hack cast came to the rescue.  
  
Mimiru: *pulls out rifle* Where's the dingo, mate?  
  
Tsukasa: Ha! Ha! What a bunch of suckers! There's no dingo!  
  
The village folk left and went back to the useless stuff they did for a living. Tsukasa thought this trick was funny, so he decided to repeat it.  
  
Tsukasa: Help! There's a dingo on the loose! The dingo ate your baby! The dingo ate your baby!  
  
The village folk came back with rifles.  
  
BT: Where is he? We're having dingo and baby stew tonight!  
  
Tsukasa: I can't believe you fell for that again. What a bunch of losers!  
  
The village folk left again. After a few more cries from Tsukasa, they decided to ignore him. Late that night, a real dingo escaped from the zoo and attacked the herd.  
  
Tsukasa: Help! Dingo alert! It's a real dingo!  
  
Bear: Will you shut up? Some of us are trying to sleep with their girlfriends!  
  
Tsukasa: Bear has girlfriend? Eww! She must be blind to be dating him.  
  
Bear: I heard that!  
  
The dingo started to take some of the Grunties.  
  
Tsukasa: Uh-oh! Well, I would save them, but I don't wanna. I'll just blame it all on Sora.  
  
The next day, the dingo came back wearing a Gruntie fur coat. He was dead by noon after an angry mob of Greenpeace activists beat him down with plastic wooden sticks.  
  
Dingo: I should've gone for Dalmatians instead!  
  
Tsukasa was finally able to go to the College of Charleston. He graduated with honors and became a full time cashier at Burger King in Chicago, Iowa.  
  
The end.  
  
Note: Chicago, Iowa is not a real landmark. Do not attempt to go there for vacation or to settle. No Grunties or Dingoes were harmed in the making of this chapter. All Greenpeace Activists are actually lowlifes we got off the street, who were begging for a sandwich.  
  
Radical Edward: Yes! New chapter finally done! "The Gingerbread Sora" will probably be done by Friday or otherwise. Please read and review. No flaming please! ^__^ 


	8. Randolph the Green Nosed Gruntie

Flossie: Surprise! Surprise! I finally updated. I finally finished exams and Saza is back from her unusually long vacation.  
  
Saza: *holding German Beer in hand* That was the best family reunion ever. *Hic*  
  
Flossie: 0.o right. Well I changed my name cuz I got bored with The Radical Edward, so now it's Irish Flossie (because I'm Irish). Well, I promised you "The Gingerbread Sora" and I still haven't typed it with exams and all.  
  
Saza: Ha! Ha! No exams for me!  
  
Flossie: You still have to make them up!  
  
Saza: Shoot!  
  
Flossie: So I'll put it up whenever I feel like it. Since Christmas is coming, I started to get a little festive and type up a parody to "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and changed it a little bit. So here it is and enjoy! *puts on headphones and listens to the strings version of "Obsession"*  
  
Chapter 8: Randolph the Green-Nosed Gruntie  
  
Randolph the Green-Nosed Gruntie  
  
Had a very very shinyful nose (like a Christmas light)  
  
And if you ever seened it (*holds up binoculars*)  
  
You would even saided it glows (like a firefly)  
  
All of the other Gruntie  
  
Used to laugh and called him names (like Fart-Head and Pea Brain)  
  
They would let poor Randolph  
  
Join them in any Gruntie games (like Candy Land)  
  
Then one foggy Hanukah Eve  
  
Juda Macabee came to say (WEEWOOWEEWOO)  
  
Randolph with your nose so bright  
  
Won't you guide my Ferrari tonight? (Is there pay in it?)  
  
Then all of the Gruntie loved him (aww)  
  
As they shouted out with glee (YAHOOO!!!!!!)  
  
Randolph the Green-Nosed Gruntie  
  
You will go down in history (like Cleopatra)  
  
Flossie: Yay! We might do a parody on "The Night Before Christmas". Who knows? I've added a new feature to the fanfics. QUOTE OF THE CHAPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
~~Quote~~  
  
(Family Guy) Hank: "Hey Brian! I got a message in my Alpha-Bits. 'OOOOOO' -" Brian: "Hank, those are Cheerios!"  
  
Well, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanza, Happy New Year, and Happy 14th Birthday to me in one month! WHEEEEEE! ^__^ 


End file.
